


Things I'll Never Say

by kittenofdoomage



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Choking, Edging, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fingering, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Oral, Rough Sex, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 03:59:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15964226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenofdoomage/pseuds/kittenofdoomage
Summary: A rough breakup that drags out far too long ends with your best friend coming to your rescue.





	Things I'll Never Say

 

“It was over months ago,” you snapped into the intercom, tears streaming down your face. “It was over when I saw you balls deep in Tanya!”

Ryan’s voice was loud and fuzzy through the tiny speaker but you could clearly make out him slamming his fist against the wall, yelling obscenities and threats of what he’d do if you didn’t open the door. You pushed the “mute” button and slid down the door, sobbing into your hands.

After thirty minutes, you were certain he must have left, peering out of the window to check the doors of the apartment building four floors below. There was no sign of the tall blonde in the darkness and you exhaled in relief, closing the blinds and checked the locks on the front door before bolting into your bedroom.

It was only a few seconds before there was a hammering at the door, Ryan’s voice loud and threatening through the wood and you shrieked. Your cellphone was on the bed and you grabbed for it, dialing Jensen’s number. He was most likely not even in town but he’d know what to do.

“Jay?” you whimpered, as Ryan shouted more insults.

“ _ Hey, sweetheart, _ ” his cheerful voice greeted before he could clearly hear the commotion in the background. “ _ What’s going on? _ ”

“Ryan,” you gulped out, clinging to the phone and sinking down behind your bed. “Someone let him in the building and -”

“ _ Shit _ ,” Jensen cursed loudly and the line went quiet for a second. He returned, asking where you were and you told him you were at home. “ _ I’ll be there in ten minutes. Jared’s calling the cops, okay? _ ”

“Please -” The sobs were uncontrollable now as Ryan kicked the door and one of the deadbolts splintered. “Jay, I think he’s gonna break in!” You couldn’t hear what Jensen was telling you, dropping the phone and hiding yourself underneath the bed.

Someone else was shouting now, probably one of your neighbors. Ryan had turned up at nearly midnight - they were unlikely to be pleased with the noise he was making. He threatened them too and they announced they were calling the cops.

You remained underneath your bed, curled in on yourself, frightened of what could happen if Jensen or the cops didn’t make it in time. Ryan would kill you this time, you knew it. Squeezing your eyes shut, you covered your ears, trying to block out the sounds.

Everything fell quiet a few moments later and you dared to open your eyes.

Ryan wasn’t kicking the door anymore. You crawled forward, hearing someone calling your name softly. The tone was instantly recognizable and you dragged yourself out from under the bed, bolting to the door and opening it to the relieved expression of your best friend.

“Jay!” you wailed, flinging yourself into his arms.

Behind him, the cops were standing with Jared, and Ryan was nowhere to be seen. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Jensen soothed, clinging to you tightly. “They got him. He’s not gonna hurt you anymore.” You were crying again, this time in relief and Jensen nodded at the cops.

“We’re gonna need a statement,” one of them said quietly. “Tomorrow?”

Jensen smiled, one hand holding your head against his chest. “Tomorrow will be fine. She needs to rest right now.”

One by one, the officers disappeared and Jared lingering as Jensen got you back into the apartment, sitting you down with a cup of hot tea. “I’m gonna take off, man. My flight’s in a couple hours.” Jensen nodded.

“Thanks for the backup, Jare,” Jensen said quietly.

“I didn’t do anything,” Jared replied, clapping his friend on the shoulder and Jensen chuckled.

“Moral support,” Jensen murmured, his eyes on you as you clutched your tea cup. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Have a good flight and give my love to Gen and the kids.” Jared hesitated by the door, his eyes remaining on you. “What?” Jensen asked and Jared smiled.

“We’re done filming,” he pointed out. “Y/N could use a break. Why not fly her out to Texas for a bit? Change of scenery.” His eyes darkened as another thought crossed his mind, the same one that immediately crossed Jensen’s. Ryan wouldn’t be able to find her in Texas. “Just an idea, man. I know you were planning on flying out to see your folks next weekend.”

Jensen nodded - you seemed unaware of their conversation. “I’ll talk to her about. It.’

Jared smiled, touching his friend’s shoulder again. “Sure thing, man. Take care of her.”

“You know I will,” Jensen chided, closing the door on him and turning all of his attention to you. “Hey, sweetheart,” he murmured, walking over and kneeling down beside your chair. Your eyes were swollen and red-rimmed, hands shaking as they held the tea cup. “I’m here, okay? Not going anywhere.”

You sucked in a shuddering breath, nodding at him but he could tell the words didn’t really sink in. You hadn’t slept properly in weeks with the constant harassment. Jensen had wanted to get the police involved from the start but you didn’t want to cause a fuss.

He’d insisted on the restraining order when Ryan had sent a dead cat via Fedex to your office. 

Now, it seemed Jensen’s gut instinct had been right from the second he’d met Ryan. And it wasn’t just his feelings for you that made him dislike the guy. Ryan had been possessive and demanding and when Jensen had spotted the first bruise, he’d wanted to kill him. You assured him nothing was wrong, of course…

The relationship went south quickly. Jensen was there when you needed him, difficult between filming and flying across the country for conventions. He wanted you with him the whole time but you didn’t want to give up your job, even if you hated it.

Suddenly, Jared’s idea of taking you to Texas seemed like a fantastic one.

“Hey,” Jensen coaxed, getting you to look at him. “You’re safe now, Y/N. I promise.”

You nodded but he could see the disbelief in your eyes. He knew that you somehow thought you deserved this but you didn’t - no one did. Standing up, he reached for his phone, calling a cab, deciding that you needed to be somewhere other than here.

“I’m gonna pack you some clothes, okay? We’re going back to my place.”

“Jensen -” you started, sitting up. “I can’t ask you to do that. I’ll be fine -”

“I’ve let you tell me that too many times,” he interrupted, frowning at you. “I’ve let you try and keep your held high and… I can’t sit back anymore when I can  _ do _ something, Y/N.” Jensen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just for a few days. C’mon. We can watch crappy movies and eat shit food.”

“What about work?” you mumbled.

Jensen rolled his eyes. “You’re really gonna use your crappy receptionist job to justify staying in this situation?”

You deflated, looking down at the cooling tea in your hands. “I guess not,” you mumbled. “Why are you doing this, Jensen?”

“You called me,” he pointed out.

“I mean… why me? I never understood how we were friends in the first place.”

Jensen smiled, bending down to cup your cheek. “Sometimes you just click with people,” he shrugged before kissing your forehead. “Let’s get you a bag packed.”

*****

Jensen’s apartment was much bigger than yours. You’d barely stepped in the door before the scent of him overwhelmed you and you smiled - you already felt safer. Ryan didn’t know where Jensen lived and couldn’t possibly gain access to the high-security building.

Not that he’d be getting out of jail for a while.

“You know where everything is,” Jensen mumbled, leaving your bag by the guest room door. “Mi casa es su casa.” His grin was bright and you pushed yourself against his chest, seeking out a hug. “Hey,” he murmured, pleasantly shocked by the contact.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

“S’no problem,” he replied, kissing the top of your head. “Why don’t you and grab a shower?”

“It’s late,” you murmured, shaking your head. “And I’m tired.”

Jensen smiled, pulling you into his side. “Netflix until we pass out? I’m assuming you don’t wanna be alone?” You shook your head again and he gestured to the couch, which you eagerly flopped onto. As soon as Jensen’s ass was on the cushions, you were snuggling up to him, drawing comfort from his presence.

You fell asleep before Jensen did. He woke up alone, roused by the sound of your alarm on your phone going off. “Who sets a damn alarm on a Sunday?” he growled, reaching for the phone and sliding his finger over the screen to turn it off. The noise stopped and he could hear you in the shower which made him smile.

The screen hadn’t turned off and you’d left an app open. Jensen frowned, picking it up, knowing he should turn it off again but the title of one of the files on the note app gave him pause. His conscience niggled at him as he pressed his thumb to the file.

_ Ryan keeps calling me. I changed my number twice. Why can’t he understand? I never loved him. We had fun but he just doesn’t make me feel butterflies in my stomach. _

Your voice was clear in the words, like Jensen could almost hear you saying it. He kept reading, ignoring the voice in his head telling him to stop, that he was invading your privacy.

_ He’s not the man I thought he was. I thought he was kind, gentle, sweet. I thought he was like you. _

Jensen frowned.

_ But he’s not. He’s completely the opposite. You make me safe and warm and cared for. With Ryan it was an act. _

Was there someone else? Jensen thought, scrolling further down, reading what was clearly a confession of love.

_ These are things I’ll never be able to say to your face. What am I? A receptionist at a crappy company. We’re only friends because I spilled coffee on you. _

His eyes widened as he remember the day you’d met - it was Jensen’s fault you spilled the coffee.

_ You’re my best friend, Jensen. But I love you more than anything in the world. You give me something to smile about and I don’t feel like I get that much anymore. It’s gonna kill me when you find some beautiful talented actress to marry and have babies with. It’s gonna kill me to watch, knowing it could never be me. _

Jensen lowered the phone, staring at the blank television screen across the room. He didn’t move, trying to figure out how he hadn’t noticed. Had he been too consumed with jealousy over your relationship with Ryan? He didn’t know when he’d fallen in love with you but it had been somewhere between you pouring scalding hot coffee onto his leg and the first time you’d smiled at him five minutes later.

You didn’t deserve his life. Never in one place for more than a week, sleeping schedule that was probably lowering his life expectancy, and gossip columns speculating on every little detail of his life. Jensen had always held himself back because of that, never given in to the attraction he felt.

The bathroom door opened and you walked out, towelling off your hair with his big fluffy bathrobe around your shorter frame. It was almost dragging on the floor and Jensen smiled at the adorableness of it.

You spotted his phone in your hand, the open notes app visible on the screen.

“Jensen…”

He blinked and looked down at his hand, the color draining from his face. “Your alarm went off,” he rushed to explain, offering it to you. “The app was open, I didn’t… I clicked it because I’m an idiot.” His excuse was lame and he knew it but you didn’t speak as you took the phone.

“Were you…” You stopped, looking down at the note he’d opened, the letter you’d written to him a week ago. “Did you read it?”

Jensen’s cheeks were bright red, the color spreading to the tips of his ears and his freckles stood out with his shame. “A little. I’m so sorry, it was wrong and I shouldn’t have. There’s no excuse. I should have just walked away.”

You stared at him, bottom lip wobbling. Your darkest secret had been exposed. Jensen knew how you felt and you swallowed down nausea. “I’ll just get dressed and I’ll go home,” you whispered, tears threatening your eyes. You looked away from him, knowing if you met his eyes, you’d burst into tears and right now, you didn’t want to seem more pathetic than you already did.

“Wait, what?” Jensen frowned, looking up sharply but you were already heading back to the bathroom, sniffing heavily, trying not to cry. “Y/N, where are you going?” he called, chasing after you, almost colliding with the bathroom door.

You hurried to gather your clothes, rushing to escape the embarrassment of your best friend finding out you were hopelessly in love with him. Jensen stood in the open door, watching you, unmoving.

“Y/N, you don’t have to leave.”

Blinking away tears, you dared to look at him and it made everything worse. He looked so defeated, disappointed - his shoulders were slumped, his entire posture making him look smaller than he was. You’d done this - you’d ruined your friendship by being a stupid emotional child. “I do,” you said brokenly. “I’ve… I’ve ruined it. I should have just kept it to myself -”

“You did!” Jensen exclaimed and you flinched. “I shouldn’t have snooped and I shouldn’t have read it. It was incredibly personal to you and I’m a goddamn ass for it.” You stared at him, unsure how to respond. He was taking responsibility for reading it when you were the one who’d written it in the first. “I invaded your privacy,” he continued, calmer now but remaining rooted to the spot. “If you’d wanted me to know, you would have told me.”

Slowly, you shook your head. “I wanted you to know,” you murmured miserably. “I wanted you to look into my eyes and just  _ know _ but that shit only happens in the movies.” Jensen looked puzzled and you lost all energy to fight, sinking down to the edge of the bathtub. “I’m sorry.”

Jensen moved a little closer, careful not to crowd you. “Why are you sorry? I don’t understand what you think you could have possibly done wrong.”

You looked up, meeting his eyes, not bothering to hide your tears or fight them. “Jensen -”

He dropped to his knees in front of you, reaching out to place his hands on your legs. “Are you apologizing for being in love with me?” You managed a nod before you started to cry and Jensen smiled, his eyes shining with moisture. “You… you beautiful idiot,” he murmured, cupping your face. “Why would you apologize for something like that?”

“B-because I’m not even a three and you’re an eleven,” you sobbed, not resisting as he thumbed the tears away.

“You’re kidding me, right?” he chastised, forcing you to look at him. “Baby, you’re a goddamn twenty.”

The kiss was unexpected and soft, shocking you into silence. Jensen’s fingers slid from your face, one hand cupping the back of your head, the other balancing his weight on the edge of the tub. When he broke away, you could taste him on your lips.

“Jay?” you whispered.

“I love you,” he replied, kissing you again. “And I want you.” You nodded, getting lost in the emotion of the moment, responding to his kissing eagerly. “Always wanted you.”

His arms hooked around your waist, lifting you up and away from the tub. Your hair was still wet but Jensen didn’t seem to care as he thread his fingers through it, using the leverage to tip you backwards a little. 

“Promise me you won’t leave?” he asked and you pulled back to stare at him, slowly nodding in agreement. He smiled, leaning down and gripping the underside of your thighs, making you squeak in surprise when he picked you up, carrying you out of the bathroom and toward the master bedroom.

“Jensen,” you murmured, looking him in the eye. “What are you doing?”

His chuckle was amused and he kissed you again. “I spent the last five years watching you go from douchebag to douchebag, seething because I didn’t have the balls to save you from all of that.” He paused to kick open his bedroom door, striding inside toward the bed. “Now, I’m gonna show you how a woman should be loved. How  _ you _ should be loved.”

You gasped when he dropped you onto the queen-size mattress, standing in front of you with a fond smile on his face.

“You said in that note that you imagined me marrying a beautiful actress and having lots of babies?” You nodded, swallowing through your still-falling tears. Jensen stroked your cheek, leaning in to kiss you again and it ended too quickly. “When I imagine getting married and having kids,” he whispered, “it’s always been with you.”

You barely had time to gasp a quick “oh” before he was pushing you back onto the bed, moving so he was lying alongside you. “You want that with me?” It was almost too much to believe - for a second you thought you might have slipped and fallen in the shower.

“Only you,” Jensen finished, pressing your lips together again. His hands wandered down, untying the robe around your waist. “Is this okay?” You nodded and Jensen kissed along your jaw, murmuring against your skin. “Used to drive me crazy seeing bruises on you. I’d kill him, if I could.”

“It wasn’t always -” You stopped and swallowed, knowing you needed to tell Jensen the truth. “The bruises were not from violence,” you admitted. “Ryan was rough but he never hit me. He was emotionally controlling.”

Jensen frowned. “But you had… there were bruises. Just before you ditched his ass.”

You felt like your face was going to explode with heat. “I’m… I like…” He waited patiently, trying to figure out what you were going to say. “Rough sex,” you squeaked and Jensen’s face darkened. You thought he was going to reject that idea entirely but then he rolled you over onto your back, pinning you down. The hard outline of his cock prodded your thigh and your eyes went wide as saucers. “You’re not mad I just brought up rough sex with another guy?”

He growled. “Well, if you put it that way, yeah I am.” The robe was either side of you now, Jensen’s hands cupping your bare breasts and squeezing them roughly. “And I’m just gonna have to make sure to erase any thoughts of other  _ inferior _ men from your mind.” His commanding tone had your legs turning to jelly and you whimpered as his clothed erection pressed into your bare slit. “Fuck, I’ve dreaming about having you like this, y’know?” He mouthed at your throat, kissing the spot where your pulse rapidly thumped against the skin.

One hand slapped against your ass and you whined, rutting against him. “You don’t mind?”

Jensen chuckled, lifting his head. “What do you like? I mean, we should have a proper conversation about it at some point.”

You smiled, looping your arms around his neck. “I like spanking,” you confessed quietly. “Biting.” Jensen groaned, his cock twitching in his pants and it spurred you on a little more. “I like looking in the mirror the next day and seeing hickeys and fingerprints all over me. Wanna  _ feel _ it when I’m walking down the street or sitting at work.”

“Fuck,” he muttered, dropping his forehead to yours.

“But my favorite,” you continued, “is having a hand round my throat when I’m cumming.” Your cheeks felt hot as Jensen stared at you in awe, shaking his head slightly and the courage you’d felt dwindled into shame again. “He didn’t like doing it.”

Another low growl made your insides clench and Jensen stole a harsh kiss from your lips, swiping his tongue along your bottom lip silently asking for entrance. You allowed it, stroking your tongue over his as he fumbled to unbuckle his pants. 

“Don’t mention him again,” Jensen whispered softly, rubbing the tip of his nose against yours. It wasn’t an order and you smiled as he wavered a little. “He’s in the past. He can’t touch you.”

“But you can,” you replied and Jensen smirked.

“Only if you want me to.”

Silence made your heartbeat sound so much louder and you forced yourself to swallow, staring at him. “I want you to,” you said huskily, reciprocating his touch when he kissed you again, pushing his pants down. He lifted off of you for a moment, stripping his t-shirt, allowing you the chance to shed the bathrobe. When Jensen lowered himself over your body, his bare cock prodded your thigh and you whimpered needily.

“Beautiful,” he snarled, closing his mouth around one hardened nipple, sucking at the sensitive bud and you cried out, arching into him. His cock slipped closer to your soaked slit, resting against it, throbbing and warm - it was too tempting to let him just slide into you bare.

But Jensen wasn’t irresponsible. He reached over for his bedside drawers, opening one of them and dragging a box free. His dazzling smile focused on you as he dumped it on the bed, sliding down your body.

“Not quite ready for the main event,” he teased, nestling between your spread thighs. Two fingers pressed into you, shallow testing thrusts that only made you want more. “So wet, baby,” he praised, lowering his head to flick his tongue over your clit, easing his fingers into your body a little more. “So tight. This all for me?”

You nodded, trying hard to not twist yourself further down and impale yourself on his fingers but you wanted more. Jensen smirked at your desperation, curling his fingers inside you and making you squeak as he turned his attention back to your clit. He lapped noisily at you, growling and groaning against you, unnecessary but decadent sounds that only made you louder.

“Jay, please,” you whined, reaching for him. “I want you, I don’t wanna wait anymore.”

He grumbled, reluctantly pulling himself away from the spot, withdrawing his fingers. Crawling up your body, he pushed your knees apart with his own, cupping your face and kissing you hard enough for you to struggle for air when he stopped.

“I should have done this a long time ago,” he growled.

With one stroke, he was inside you and you cried out, the sudden intrusion bordering on painful until your body sang in euphoria and it took a second to realize you were clinging to his shoulders hard enough to leave nail marks on his skin. Jensen groaned loudly, eye rolling back as you clenched around him, adjusting to his size.

“Done what,” you gasped, feeling him twitch inside you.

“Made you mine,” he replied, voice thick and rough. You made a sound that was somewhere between the word “yes” and a seagull choking, lifting your legs as Jensen started to withdraw, thrusting back in as you propped your ankles on his ass. 

The heat of his skin was overwhelming and you swore his hand was burning a print in your ass cheek where he supported your weight to keep your legs up. His hips rolled against yours, forcing more of his cock into you, hitting deep enough to make you shudder.

It wasn’t that sex before had been bad but with Jensen, it seemed like he had the “how-to” guide on making you cum, knowing exactly how much pressure to put behind his thrusts, angling his pelvis so it crushed into your clit with each stroke. 

You came from just the pressure of his cockhead slamming into your cervix and you shrieked, flexing around him. Jensen pulled away suddenly and dread clashed with pleasure as you instantly thought you’d done something wrong.

He reached past you, grabbing the forgotten box of condoms. “Got caught up,” he murmured apologetically, plucking a foil packet from inside the box, ripping it open. You watched in rapt attention as he rolled the rubber down over his thick, weeping cock.

“Good thing you remembered,” you muttered. “But your timing is crap.”

A lopsided smile lit up Jensen’s face and he leaned back down over you, pecking at your lips. “I’m sorry, baby,” he purred, “what can I do to make it up to you?”

“Make me cum,” you begged breathlessly. “Want you to fuck me, Jay.” He groaned, tugging your body further down the bed before fisting his cock and guiding it back into you. Both of you moaned as your bodies connected again although the sensation was different with the condom separating you.

You didn’t know whether it was right or wrong to lament that you wouldn’t feel the warmth of his cum when he finished inside you.

When you shivered at the lustful thought, Jensen grunted, clutching your hips tightly. “What were you thinking?”

“Nothin’,” you replied quietly, arching up to kiss him.

“Made you squeeze my cock, sweetheart,” he hummed, rocking into you and you swallowed, gasping for breath again. “Tell me what it was that got you all twitchy?”

“I was -” Your mouth was drier than the sahara at this point. “I was thinking about how good it felt bare,” you admitted in surrender. “Then I was kinda disappointed that I wouldn’t get to feel you cum inside me.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow, the idea clearly turning him on as his cock pulsed and you groaned. “You’re not on the pill,” he reminded you, lowering his mouth to your throat as you shook your head in reply to the not-question. “That would be risky. Probably stupid.”

“It would,” you agreed, “but that doesn’t stop the thought of it turning me on.”

He grinned, biting playfully at your skin and you yelped. “Does it?” You nodded enthusiastically and Jensen bit your neck again, sinking his teeth in a little harder, sucking and tonguing at the skin. It hurt in that buzzed kind of way, competing with the rhythm of his thrusts for attention. When he was finished, he lifted up to look at his creation, his first mark on your otherwise unblemished skin.

Your belly swam with butterflies as Jensen repeated the action again, the movement of his hips never ceasing. His hands slipped underneath your ass, holding you higher off of the bed, slamming into you until you were a quivering mess, begging for relief.

Straightening, Jensen dragged you into his lap, cutting off your surprised squeal by slamming into you again, forcing your body down his shaft until you thought you could feel him bulging out your belly. He was sweating, snarling, more delectable and pornographic than you’d ever imagined.

“Tell me you’d want it,” he asked, lifting you from the bed so you were perched entirely on his thighs, almost dizzy with how deep inside you he was pressed. “One day.”

Oh, how glad you were he hadn’t scrolled further down that note. With a nod, you clung to his shoulders, riding him with your toes bearing the brunt of your weight on top of the bed. “One day,” you promised, crossing it off the list of the things you never thought you’d say to him, along with six thousand other things.

You’d delete the app tomorrow.

Jensen growled as he kissed you again, one hand coming up to hold wrap around your neck. His fingers pressed in either side, not too much but enough to make the edges of your vision blur. You gasped at the sensation, body tensing and Jensen’s rhythm faltered as he came, spilling into the condom as you rode out his high with him, panting when he released your throat.

“Fuck,” Jensen groaned, trying to catch his breath, holding you in his lap like he never wanted to let go. “We should have done that so long ago.” His comment was met with a snort of quiet laughter as you rested against his bare shoulder, humming contentedly.

He pulled back when his legs began to cramp, kissing along your shoulder as you let him lay you down, too sleepy to fight on anything and Jensen smiled at your half-lidded eyes.

“You look exhausted,” he commented. “Beautiful but exhausted.”

“You don’t need to keep up the compliments,” you yawned, waving him off. “You got in my pants.”

Jensen laughed, shaking his head as he watched you struggle to stay away. “I’m kinda hoping to stay there,” he murmured, laying back and you snuggled into his side, smiling when his arm looped around your shoulders. “I’m also kinda hoping you’ll stay here.”

“I can stay tonight,” you mumbled, eyes completely closed.

He looked down at you, knowing what he meant was for you to stay forever but you were tired and already most of the way asleep. Closing his eyes, Jensen settled back, smiling to himself.

In the morning, he’d tell you all the things you thought he’d never say.


End file.
